


smoke between my fingers

by snuffleslove



Category: One Direction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-30
Updated: 2012-04-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 14:05:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/504296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which liam is horny and danielle isn't putting out<br/>(featuring a very piny zayn malik)</p>
<p>written for a prompt on the kinkmeme</p>
            </blockquote>





	smoke between my fingers

The first night it happened Liam was drunk. He came back around 11pm when Zayn was curled up in bed reading to the faint glow of light on his night stand, stubbing his toe on the dresser and cursing softly. Liam didn't drink very often, but when he went out with Danielle and her many very girly friends, he seemed to need the liquid courage. 

Harry and Louis might have taken the piss but Zayn just smiled at him bemusedly before returning to his reading. Out of the corner of his eye he watched as Liam stripped and then stumbled into the bathroom, heard the toilet flush and the water run before the door opened again. As Liam passed him, Zayn handed him a glass of water, not even bothering to look up from his book this time. Liam murmured his thanks and then killed it one go, before collapsing on his bed. 

"Fuck, Zayn, she's _killing_ me," he moaned, lying on his back hands in his hair. Zayn chuckled and turned a page. This too, wasn't new. The problem was that well, Danielle was beautiful and funny and sweet but she wasn't, putting out, so to speak. Zayn didn't blame her, to be honest. Their relationship, though strong and loving on the outside, was precarious at best, especially with Liam hardly ever in the UK and girls throwing themselves at him at every corner. Zayn assumed that the longer she held out, the less of a chance she had at making herself into a hit it and quit it kind of girl. Or something. Whatever the case was, the sexual frustration was killing Liam. 

"Mate," Li said, turning to him. "What do I _do_?" Zayn looked up at him, chewing his bottom lip and debating what to say. His previous retorts of "You're an idiot" and "Find someone willing?" hadn't seemed to go over too well. 

"Have one off then," he said finally, smirking slightly and returning to his book. Bad idea though, because he either really underestimated how drunk his friend was or Liam was fucking desperate. 

"You don't mind?" Liam asked, his face relaxing slightly. Zayn opened his mouth to tell him _Not here!_ but Liam was already splitting his pants and pulling out his cock. 

This _was_ new.

Zayn stared at him. Liam was already half hard and as his hand gripped his cock he let out a low hiss of relief. He pumped himself slowly with a firm grip, head thrown back, eyes closed, lips slightly parted. Zayn's eyes trailed down his chest to where he moved in and out of his hand. He was teasing himself, Zayn realized. Taking his time, movement smooth, enjoying the build. 

It wasn't until Liam moaned, and Zayn's own cock twitched that he noticed he was hard. Fuck. He wiped his hands on the sheets and tried to go back to his book but Liam was making these noises now, whimpers and moans and _please_ and oh fuck Zayn couldn't help but watch through his lashes as Liam came, back arching, face screwed up. 

He was beautiful.

\-- 

The second time it happened, Zayn wondered what it would be like to feel Liam's firm grip on his cock. 

\--

The third time it happened, he wondered what Liam would feel like in his mouth.

\--

The fourth time it happened, Paul knocked on their door. It was a little after midnight and Liam had just gotten started, when they heard the knocking. Liam let out a drunken giggle and pulled the covers around him.

"Answer it Zayn!" He said. Zayn closed his eyes and desperately tried to will his erection away, swearing never to sleep without trousers again. 

"Fuck, maybe he'll just leave," Zayn said, but Paul knocked even louder. 

"Boys, wake up!" Zayn groaned. Fuck Paul. He got up on the opposite side of the room from Liam, pressing the back of his hand over his crotch to try and cover it and cracked the door open. 

"God, what is it Paul?"

"Sorry to wake you boys, but you've got to set your alarms for two hours earlier. Management underestimated how long it would take to get to the next venue." 

"Bloody hell, couldn't you have just called?"

"And what if you were sleeping?" Paul retorted. Zayn sighed. 

"Sorry. Night." 

"Night." Zayn latched the door again and turned around. Liam had moved to sit at the edge of his bed and even though he had only one shirt more than Zayn had on, he suddenly felt very exposed. Liam was staring at him intensely. Zayn noticed he was still half hard. 

"Am I turning you on, Zayn?" Liam asked quietly. Zayn blushed. He didn't think it was possible to make that question seem innocent, but Liam managed it. Eyes wide, voice soft and full of simple curiosity. Zayn's mouth went dry. 

"C'mere," Liam murmured and Zayn didn't know what else to do, so he walked over to Liam, standing between his legs. The bed was higher up so that Liam's head came up to Zayn's shoulders. He put his hands on his bare chest and Zayn had to bite back a groan. His hands clenched into fists at his sides, nails digging into his palms. Liam's fingers traced his abs, dancing softly up his chest. When they brushed past his nipples, Zayn closed his eyes and whimpered, swaying slightly. 

"Beautiful," Liam breathed, and Zayn's eyes opened to meet his brown ones, dark with desire. Liam moved his hands down, caressing his hips, right above the waistband of his pants. 

"Fuck, Li," Zayn choked out, "Don't." But there was a small smirk playing at Liam's lips and he wouldn't let up. Fuck. 

Zayn cupped Liam's face and brought his lips crashing down to the other boy's. It was messy and he tasted like liquor and it was nothing like kissing girls but it was what Zayn had wanted for so long and it was so good. He licked at Liam's lower lip and the other boy opened his mouth for him, allowing Zayn's tongue to enter, swallowing Liam's answering moan. His hands were in Zayn's hair, pulling and scratching at his neck and Zayn needed _more_. 

He pushed Liam back on the bed, and in one swift movement Liam had shimmied back up to the head, pulling Zayn with him. Zayn brought his lips to kiss the boy's neck, burrowing his nose into his curls. He sucked hard just under Liam's collarbone and Liam whimpered, hips canting up to meet air. He pulled Zayn's head back to kiss him properly but Zayn pulled away, rolling onto his side, hand going to Li's cock. He went slow, teasing him like he had watched him to do to himself, grip firm. 

"Zayn, fuck. Please. God," Liam moaned and Zayn buried his own moan in Liam's neck, unable to keep his hips from thrusting into Liam's thigh. He knew exactly when Liam was on the edge and with a flick of his wrist at the head of his cock he pulled his orgasm from him. At the sound of his name on Liam's lips as he came, Zayn came too, shuddering.

"Stay," whispered Liam, when Zayn made to move back to his own bed. So Zayn did, sliding back down, and sighing when Liam turned towards him and buried his face in Zayn's neck. 

\--

Zayn woke up at the crack of down, thanking God because he had completely forgot to reset their alarms last night. He looked down at Liam who had thrown one arm over Zayn's waist and had his head on Zayn's chest. Zayn groaned, sticky and disgusting. He detached himself from his mate and moved quickly to the shower. 

\--

It took a lot of courage to step out of the bathroom but he couldn't hide out there forever. He found Liam awake, lying on his back, arms behind his head. He turned when he heard Zayn enter, face splitting into a smile, nose wrinkled.

"Thank fuck," he said leaping up. "Gotta shower, can't believe we slept like that." 

Zayn hadn't known what to expect, but it certainly wasn't the casual reference Liam just threw at him. He stared at Liam, mouth open slightly. Liam just grinned at him, shoving his shoulder gently as he walked past and into the bathroom. 

\--

He's definitely flirting with me, Zayn thought to himself, staring in wonderment at the hand drawing circles on the inside of his leg. 

"Zayn?" Harry prompted. Zayn shook himself and looked up at Harry. 

"Sorry, wha-?" Zayn blinked twice. 

"She asked you a question, mate." 

"Excuse our boy, Malik. Bit jetlagged," Louis said, laughing charmingly at the interviewer. Liam was staring at him with an amused expression on his face. 

"Sorry, what was the question?" Zayn asked, attempting to make his voice sound sleepy. Get a grip, he told himself. It's perfectly natural. 

Outside, in front of the fans, Liam looped his arm around Zayn, pulling Zayn's head into his chest, and Zayn stayed there, leaving his hand casually on the younger boy's chest, smiling up at him.

\--

That night, Liam left the room with his phone and didn't come back for an hour. As he closed the door behind him, Zayn heard him say "Bye babe, love you too." 

He didn't dare look up from his book. 

\--

After their show, instead of collapsing into bed with exhaustion like the rest of the group, Zayn grabbed his pack and lighter and stepped out the back door into the cold air. He caressed the cigarette between his fingers, savoring the sweet anticipation before the first inhale. He put the fag to his lips, cupping his palm to protect the flame, breathed deep, eyelids fluttering closed. Leaned against the wall, enjoying a moment's peace. 

\--

Liam was sitting in _his_ bed, propped up on pillows, when Zayn returned to their room, perusing the book he kept by his bedside. Liam looked up when he entered, smiling at him. 

"You sang well today," he said warmly. Zayn nodded. 

"Thanks. You too." He walked round the bed, hovering at the edge. Liam raised his eyebrows. 

"I reek," he said, by way of explanation, knowing Liam didn't like the smell of cigarettes. Liam laughed at him. 

"Come on," he said, opening his arms. The older boy shrugged and kicked off his trainers, sliding in bed under the comforters, curling into Liam's grasp.

He felt Liam nuzzle into his hair and then the vibrations of his warm laughter. 

"What?" he asked, eyes closed. 

"You do reek a bit," Liam said lightly. Zayn tensed unconsciously. 

"Told you," he muttered defensively. He _did_ feel self-conscious about his habit, but they don't call it an addiction for nothing. 

Liam didn't respond for a moment, and when he did, he tilted Zayn's head up gently.

"I want to taste," he murmured softly, voice lower than Zayn had ever heard it. He brought his lips to Zayn's gently, and when he didn't pull back, he licked into his mouth slowly, taking his time. Zayn melted against Liam despite himself, opening his mouth, meeting Liam's tongue with his own. He felt, rather than heard Liam's groan. 

Liam pulled away a bit, eyes still on Zayn's mouth. 

"Still taste like you," he murmured, and Zayn leaned forward and captured his lips once more. Liam rolled them over slowly, straddling Zayn's hips, and Zayn reached for him, unable to help himself, pulling him closer. Liam pressed gentle kisses along Zayn's chin, spending time on the places that got a particular moan out of him, until Zayn was moving uncontrollably underneath him, head thrown back. 

"Shh," Liam whispered into his ear, but the sensation only made Zayn shiver. He could feel Liam's crooked smile against his ear, and when he nipped at his earlobe Zayn whimpered and thrust his hips up. 

The moment their hard cocks brushed against each other, Zayn's eyes flew open. 

"Sorry," he said, "I -" But Liam shut him up with a kiss, hands tugging at his shirt. Zayn leaned up slightly and they separated briefly so Liam could throw it aside.

He didn't ask, he just took, deftly removing Zayn's belt and tugging at his trousers. When they were gone he moved slowly down his body, taking his time to kiss the space under his collarbone and nip lightly at Zayn's nipples. He placed hot, open-mouthed kisses to Zayn's stomach and bit at his hip, turning Zayn into a writhing mess of fuck Li, _please_ ahgodfuck. 

When he felt the first swipe of Liam's tongue against his cock, he moaned his name loudly, digging his nails into his palms, using the pain to ground him, regain some control before he came too quickly. 

Liam moved to kiss the inside of Zayn's thigh. 

"Fuck, please Li. _Please_ ," he begged, voice desperate. Liam slowly took him into his mouth. He was sloppy but he was _Liam_ and Zayn tried to hold off but he had been thinking about this for too long now and _fuck_. He tried to get Liam's attention but it was too late and he was coming without warning into Liam's mouth, his name escaping his lips on a groan. He opened his eyes to see Liam swallowing and wrinkling his nose slightly, and felt the heat rush to his cheeks. 

"Shit, Sorry -" 

"S'alright, you can have a taste too," Liam said, his voice rough and his eyes darkened. And when he moved up to kiss him Zayn didn't even complain, just kissed him back hungrily, tasting himself on Liam's tongue. He bit Liam's bottom lip gently, and again harder when Liam moaned. 

He broke away from the kiss, burying his face in Zayn's neck, thrusting gently into his hip. "Zayn, please. I'm close." 

Zayn reached down for him, giving him the grip he wanted, and Liam pumped into his hand, gasping and chanting Zayn's name as he came a few moments later.

His body relaxed completely on top of Zayn's, languid and warm, and Zayn traced lazy patterns on his back through his shirt.

"Don't understand how you're wearing so many clothes," Zayn muttered. Liam snorted into his neck. 

"We should probably clean up first this time," he said after a beat. 

"You're the one that made the mess," Zayn pointed out sleepily. 

"Yeah because I swallowed yours," Liam retorted. Zayn blushed again. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't -" He looked up to see Liam smiling over him and rolled his eyes. 

"Cheeky," he said, voice still a bit colored with embarrassment. Liam leaned down and pressed a small kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

"Li - " he breathed. 

"What?" Liam asked, just as quietly. Zayn studied him and then closed his eyes, shook his head. 

"Nothing," he said, smile straining slightly. "Go shower." 

\--

He didn't know exactly what his other band mates thought they knew, but they were definitely cottoning on to something. Not that they _said_ anything about it, and what was there to say really? I'm sorry you're in love with our (mostly) straight friend who has an incredibly hot and loving girl friend, but hey at least you're getting laid? No. But Zayn did begin to notice the smaller signs. How Harry made it a point to sit between them during interviews, or the way Louis pulled him close when Liam would leave to answer a call from Danielle. Or even when Niall would smile sadly at him when Liam spoke up that no he was not single. 

Things did lose their subtlety a bit once on the tour bus when Liam and him were smashed together on the couch. They were exhausted, almost too tired to sleep, staring out into space, and Liam was playing with his fingers, running his hands between them and lacing them together.

"Budge over, Li," Louis had said, standing over them.

"What? No. There's plenty of space over there." 

"I want to sit with Zayn though," Louis had replied adamantly. 

"No," Liam had refused, surprising both Zayn and Louis. "He's mine. Sit with Harry." Zayn had closed his eyes, holding back a tired sob. 

"It's alright, gotta take a piss anyway," he had said when he was sure his voice wouldn't shake. "Sit here Louis." 

When he passed, Louis caught his eye and he gave the older boy a brave smile.

\--

Zayn was in the kitchen when Liam walked in, hair a mess, shirt riding up. 

"Morning," he said cheerfully, voice still gruff from disuse. Zayn just nodded at him, smiling softly before turning back to the apple he was cutting. 

"You alright?" Liam asked. "You seem tired." And Zayn was tired. Tired from the tour and the rehearsals and the interviews and the jetlag and the screaming girls, and the constant weight on his chest from wanting to kiss Liam. And other stuff. His hands shook and he put down the knife, resting his hands on the table, turned towards his friend. 

"Yeah. Just exhausted, you know? Could really use a cigarette, if I'm being completely honest," he laughed a low self-deprecating laugh. 

"You can't though," Liam said, voice still serious despite the joke. Zayn waved his hands. 

"I know, I know. I'm trying." 

"We need you, Zayn, you know that." Zayn snorted. 

"I need you," Liam said firmly. They stared at each other for a long moment, neither willing to look away. 

"Are you - I mean. What are we -?" Zayn finally broke the silence. Liam raised his eyebrows. 

"What exactly is - this?" Zayn gestured to the space between them. Liam shrugged. 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean," Zayn scratched the back of his head, kept his voice carefully casual. "I mean. We're mates. But we kiss sometimes. Which is alright except there's Danielle and -" Liam chuckled. 

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind me having one off here and there, Zayner. She gets that I'm a guy." 

"Wait- what?" Zayn asked, thoroughly confused. Liam took a step towards him and Zayn instinctively leaned into it. 

"Having one off? I mean, all it really is is a wank yeah? Louis and Harry do it all the time and Louis's got Eleanor - don't tell me you didn't know?" he said, laughing at Zayn's shocked expression. "Walked in on them once, wasn't pretty." He wrinkled his nose, but his eyes danced with amusement. "Anyway, I'm sure she wouldn't mind, I hope you haven't been feeling guilty -" he trailed off, suddenly concerned. "You haven't been feeling guilty have you?" 

"I - no. No, you're right. Right." Zayn tried to gather his thoughts, push feelings back to the crevices of his mind, breathe past the pain in his chest, suffocating him. He gripped the counter top behind him so hard his knuckles turned white. Fuck. 

Liam was laughing again. 

"Didn't realize the whole Larry Stylinson thing would come as that much of a shock, mate. They don't really do much to hide it." 

Zayn actually couldn't breathe. 

"Oi," Harry said. "You two are up -" He paused for a moment, taking in the situation with a short glance around the room. "Actually, Li, I think Louis was asking about you upstairs. Do you mind?" 

"No not at all mate," Liam replied, ruffling Harry's hair as he walked past. When he had gone Harry enveloped Zayn in a hug, holding him tight. 

"It's going to be alright. I've got you." Zayn took deep breaths. 

"Love you, Zayner," Harry whispered, when Zayn had calmed down a bit. He didn't let go and Zayn had to forcefully pull himself away.

"Sorry," he said, not quite meeting Harry's eye. "Don't know what came over me. Panic attack about the show or something." 

Harry raised his eyebrows in disbelief. 

"Zayn - " 

"Don't. Just leave it." 

\--

Even so, his band mates became so fiercely protective after that that if it wasn't so painful Zayn would have thought it comical. He marveled at the way news traveled unspoken throughout the group, picked up through small glances and touches, invisible to everyone else. He wanted to tell them off, tell them to leave it alone and that he had it under control, but if he was being honest with himself he _was_ grateful. Relieved that they cared enough to do _something_ about it. 

Niall's gift came as the biggest relief. He made a big show to Liam about how he was having nightmares and would it be alright if Zayn and him switched so he could sleep Liam? Liam had looked over at Zayn who had shrugged and nodded casually, shooting Niall a look of pure relief when he caught his eye later. 

Harry was being so protective of Zayn that he practically bristled every time Liam laid a hand on him. Zayn wasn't sure how Liam was explaining that one away. Probably chalking it up to Harry's usual antics. And it was beginning to seem ridiculous even to Zayn. Wherever he turned the curly haired boy was there, arm around him, hand on his chest, or at the back of his neck, or slung over his waist. When management decided that Zayn was looking a bit down in the press and that he should do an individual or paired interview to bring energy levels back up, Harry volunteered before Liam could even get a word in. 

"You don't have to do this," Zayn had whispered to him after that. Harry liked interviews to a certain extent, but he was exhausted too and deserved his rest. 

"Do what?" Harry had said, grinning at him like a maniac before running to chase after Louis. Zayn shook his head.

\--

On one of their rare nights off, Zayn came out of the loo to find the rest of his band mates shoved together in his small hotel room armed with a rom-com and some popcorn to throw at the screen. He grinned despite himself at the eager expressions on his friends' faces when he entered the room, slammed suddenly with the amount of love he had for these boys. The only space left was in between Liam and Harry and Zayn sat. Louis cast him a worried look but he ignored it, settling comfortably against Liam, who smiled warmly at him and put his arm around him. He _missed_ this. The closeness of him, the smell of his cologne and his steady heartbeat. He sighed with content. 

"Go on then," he said in the silence that ensued. "Someone turn on the telly." The chaos resumed and he leaned in to enjoy the night. 

By the end of the movie everyone was fast asleep and Zayn pulled away gently, stepping over his mates until he reached the bed. 

"Zayn?" Liam murmured sleepily. Zayn turned. Louis and Niall were both fast asleep on Harry, Louis's head resting against Harry's shoulder, and Niall's on his stomach. Zayn wondered idly how Harry could sleep comfortably with all that weight on him. 

"Go back to sleep Li, s'late." He watched as Liam pulled himself up, stretching, and Zayn's eyes fell to the sliver of skin that showed between his shirt and trousers. 

"Can I?" He asked, eyes still half closed, voice exhausted and small. Zayn nodded at him and slid into bed, lying on his back, leaving plenty of room, but Liam slid in after him and curled up against him, head on his chest, bare feet intertwining with Zayn's. Zayn resisted for a second before putting his arm around the brown haired boy, pulling him closer. 

"Love you, Li," he murmured into the top of Liam's curls who sighed and moved even closer, slinging an arm around Zayn's hips. 

\--

 "Liam, wake up," Harry was hissing softly, round the other side of the bed. Zayn stirred but kept his eyes closed.

"Go away Harry, s'not even light outside," Liam responded into Zayn's neck.

"I know. C'mon, s'time to go back to your own bed." 

"Fuck off Harry." 

" _Liam_." Harry said sternly. Zayn felt Liam turn towards Harry. 

"Go away Harry. Zayn's not your play thing of the week." _Oh_. So he had noticed. 

"Oh but he's yours?" the bite in Harry's voice made Zayn wince. 

"Harry," Louis's voice washed over Zayn, relaxing him slightly. "Now's not the time," he chided gently. "C'mon, come to bed." 

When Louis and Harry had left, Liam turned back to Zayn.

"Zayn," he said gently. "I know you're awake. Zayn?" Zayn opened his eyes slowly, meeting Liam's. It was dark and he couldn't make out the expression on Liam's face. 

"You're not. I don't think of you as -" 

"I know," Zayn said, voice hushed. 

"Ok." He leaned in and placed a soft kiss to Zayn's forehead and Zayn had to close his eyes against tears that threatened to spill over. 

"Goodnight," he said, tucking himself into Zayn once more. 

\--

The lights dim and soft guitar streams through. Liam catches his eye, sends him a smile that floors Zayn. A smile that pulls straight at his insides, high off the adrenaline and the screaming fans. Suddenly there is no one in the entire arena but him and Liam. He stares at him, putting the mic to his lips. 

"She takes your hand, I die a little." He forgets the choreography, stands still, stares straight at Liam, cannot look away. "I watch your eyes, and I'm in riddles." He takes a step forward. "Why can't you look at me like that?" 

Liam nearly misses his cue. " - you walk by, I try to say it." He turns away, faces the crowd. Fixes them with the same smile he's just given Zayn.  "But then I'll freeze and never do it." 

"Stay with us Zayn," Niall whispers to him, putting an arm around him and leading him back to sit. Liam joins them a second later, quirking his eyebrow curiously at Zayn. 

"But I see you, with him," Zayn sings, stepping away from him to the edge of the stage to join Harry. He's giving his all into this song, and the audience can tell. He finishes a line and they go crazy but he can't see them. His eyes are bright with tears and he can only see Li.  

They come together for the end and Zayn puts his arm around Liam, stares straight into his wide brown eyes. 

"Oh how I wish that was me." 

\--

When they leave the stage, Liam grabs fistfuls of Zayn's shirt and pushes him against the wall. For a split second Zayn has this insane idea that he's going to punch him but then Liam's face is breaking into a grin, eyes full of wonderment. 

"Zayn, that was fucking incredible," Liam says almost reverently. "I don't think I've ever heard you sing like that before. I don't think I've heard _anyone_ -" 

Zayn cuts him off with a kiss, hungry and demanding, and Liam responds instantly, molding his body to Zayn's and cupping his face gently. 

Suddenly, Zayn is crying, tears running down his cheeks. 

"Zayn?" Liam pulls away slightly. "You're shaking - Zayn, fuck what's wrong?" Zayn sinks to the floor, entire body shuddering as he sobs into his knees, exhausted and overwhelmed. 

"What the fuck did you do," Harry says coming up behind Liam, voice infuriated. 

"Harry," Louis admonishes gently. Harry whirls on him.

"No. This has gone on long enough," Harry rarely gets angry but he's furious now. He turns back to Liam. "What the fuck did you do to him?" 

"No-nothing," Liam stammers helplessly. "I didn't -" Louis has sat on the floor next to Zayn, putting his arm around him. Zayn tries to fight him but Louis's arms are strong and he's insistent. He tries to get himself under control before Harry says something he shouldn't but he can't stop trembling and the tears don't stop. 

"Get away from him," Harry actually shoves Liam, eyes flashing.

" _Harry!_ " Niall says, putting his hand on Liam's shoulder defensively. "He doesn't _know_ , Harry. Let him alone." 

Liam's eyes are wide. "Don't know what?" he whispers. Harry shakes his head in fury, curls flying everywhere. 

"Niall, don't know what?" Liam turns to Niall who shrugs apologetically. 

"Shh, Zayn it's alright. We're right here. We love you," Louis whispers into Zayn's hair. Liam kneels down next to him, and Harry instinctively leans forward defensively, body tense. 

"What's going on Zayn?" Liam asks. Zayn looks at him, face pale, eyes red. He is still shaking. He looks up at Harry helplessly and Harry instantly softens. 

"S'alright, Zayn," he says, eyes warm. "It'll -" 

"Bloody hell boys what's going on?" Paul asks. Harry and the group turn.

"They're sorting it, Paul," Niall says reassuringly. 

"Not here," Paul hisses. "Press will be round any minute now. Liam, take Zayn into the bathroom and help him wash his face. I'll send a guard to wait outside, and the two of you will come in the next van. Alright?" 

"No, I’ll go with Zayn," both Harry and Louis say at the same time. They glance at each other, words only they can hear flowing between them, and then Louis stands, reaching out to pull Zayn to his feet. 

"C'mon Zayn." Liam steps away from them, clearly hurt, but he remains silent. Zayn watches as Niall puts a warm hand on his shoulder and Liam shoots him a grateful look. Waves of guilt wash over Zayn and he tries to catch Liam's eye, reassure him that it's not his fault, but Liam won't look at him. 

\--

In the bathroom, Louis babbles about nothing as Zayn washes his face, and Zayn is grateful. 

"Did you see the size of that bra-" his phone beeps and he glances at it. "Might be Paul." He scans it quickly then looks up at Zayn, worries his bottom lip, attempts a smile. 

"What is it?" Zayn asks warily. 

"Nothing, just Harry saying the fans are -"

"You're lying, Louis," exasperated that he would even try anymore. Not when they can all instantly tell. Louis sighs. 

"It's just stupid stuff, Zayn. Don't worry about it." Zayn quirks an eyebrow. 

"Criticism about the show?" 

"No," mumbles Louis. "Quite the opposite actually." 

"Oh boy. Tell me." 

"Well you erm." Louis scratches the back of his head helplessly. "You changed the gender of one of the lyrics." _Oh._ Zayn wipes his hands over his face.

"Shit."

"It's not a big deal. Gives the fans something to talk about. And Harry did it once too..." he lets out an anxious chuckle. 

"What are they saying?" 

"It's nothing Zayn, you know we're not supposed to listen to this shit. And they say it about me and Harry all the time. Overactive imaginations and all that - " 

"Fuck." Zayn turns away from Louis. "I just outed myself to the entire world didn't I?" 

"I wouldn't say that necessarily...." Louis says carefully. Zayn's eyes widen as it dawns on him. 

"Fucking. Fuck. Bloody. Fuck."

"Now the only person in the entire _world_ who doesn't know is Liam," Louis tries to joke. It falls flat. Zayn glares at him.

"Fuck, Louis, what do I do?" 

"Liam won't _believe_ any of it -" 

"But what if he does?" Louis studies him. Zayn can tell he's worried, though he's not exactly sure about what, and it makes his stomach uneasy. Louis never worries. 

"Tell him, Zayn," he says finally. 

"You've got to be kidding. It'll ruin everything." Louis doesn't disagree. 

"You can't keep going on like this, though."

"I could. I could. It's not so bad and -" Zayn's voice is desperate but Louis doesn't look convinced. 

"You're in a lot of pain Zayn, even the fans can tell. It's not right."

"But, the band -" 

"Doesn't matter," Louis said firmly. "You matter, Zayn." 

"I - I don't know how," Zayn whispers. 

"Say it to me." 

"What? No, you already know." 

"Say it out loud. To tell Liam, you have to say the words. And the first time you say them should be to someone who will love you no matter what happens." Louis puts his hands on Zayn's shoulders, draws him closer. "Tell me." 

Zayn looks up at him, trying to tell him how incredibly grateful he is for him at this moment and he thinks Louis understands because he's being pulled into his arms for a tight hug. Louis pulls away after a moment. 

"Tell me, Zayner." 

"I - I love him. I love Liam. I'm - I'm in love with Liam." 

\--

When Zayn walks into Liam's room, he finds him in bed, knees tucked underneath, leaning on the headboard, phone to his ear. He's wearing a simple, oversized shirt, and baggy sweats and he looks young. His voice is breathy and sad. 

"Yeah, yeah, thanks mom. Listen, I'll call you back. Thanks. Love you too. I know. Thanks. Bye." He looks up at Zayn, eyes red. "Hey." 

"Li -" Zayn's chest is constricting painfully. He can't believe he's hurt his friend so much and he hates himself for it. 

"Must be really bad, all this," Liam gestures between them, "Because you've managed to silence Styles." Liam lets out a laugh that is not a laugh at all. "He actually won't speak to me. Gave me the silent treatment the entire way home."

"Liam, let me -" 

"We can fix this, right? We can get past whatever I did? I don't know what I'll do if you and I -" his voice breaks and he doesn't continue. Zayn can't stay away. He settles for sitting next to him on the bed, legs swinging nervously. He takes a deep breath, fixes Liam with a small smile. 

"That'll be your decision to make," Zayn says. Liam looks at him confusedly. 

"I don't understand -" 

"I'm in love with you, Li," Zayn confesses and it takes all he's got to not look away. He sees Liam's eyes widen. 

"What?" Zayn just nods, finally breaks the eye contact, stares at the hands fidgeting in his lap like they aren't his own. He feels disconnected from his body, like this can't be real. "I'm sorry, Liam," he looks up finally. "I never meant for it to happen, I swear." Liam's just staring at him. "I know you don't feel the same way, but Louis thought - " 

"This is why Harry's got his knickers in a twist then?" Liam interrupts, incredulous. Zayn runs his hand through his hair nervously. 

"He wasn't supposed to know. No one was supposed to know. But I'm pretty sure after tonight's concert  -" he trails off, biting his lip. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I didn't want to -" 

"Since when?" Liam asks. His voice is strained, expression unreadable.  Zayn knows what he's asking and looks away, guilt weighing down on him. 

"Since before we started." he says quietly. He knows that this changes things, changes things for Liam, and Zayn doesn't even want to think about how he's hurt Danielle. Liam's got his face buried in his hands, and Zayn's stomach turns. He feels sick. 

"I'll stay away," he drags the words out himself. "I'll keep my distance. You won't even know I'm alive except for in public and -" Liam's head shoots up. 

"No! That's not what I want, Zayn. Don't." Zayn didn't realize how tense he was until tears of relief spring to his eyes. He wipes them away impatiently. "Oh Zayn. Fuck, don't. Please don't. Can I -" he gestures helplessly for Zayn to come closer, but Zayn shakes his head. 

"We shouldn't," he whispers. "It's not just having a wank anymore is it?" He laughs humorlessly.

"But I -" Liam's face is tortured. "I want to -"

"I know, Li." He doesn't look at the brown haired boy. 

"What happens now?" Zayn shrugs. 

"I give you some space." 

"I don't _want_ space, Zayn," Liam says fiercely. 

"Liam please -" 

" _You_ want space," Liam says. It's not a question and there's an accusatory note in his voice. 

"Try to understand. I need -" 

"Fine," Liam says, voice clipped. 

"Liam-" Zayn pleads.

" _What_?" 

"I'm not str-ong enough," Zayn says, voice breaking in the middle and suddenly Liam is _there_ , arms around him, hugging him tightly, face in his hair. Zayn shrugs him off, puts distance between them.

"I should go," he says to the wall, and leaves the room. 

\--

There's a divide in the band. It's fuzzy, rough around the edges, but it's there. There aren't sides per say, but it feels like Zayn and Harry against the rest of them. And they're coming apart at the seams.

 Zayn's not speaking to Liam, can't seem to really breathe around him, and that becomes slightly problematic, especially when he sings. Harry is just _angry_ , blazing and buzzing with it like neon lights, and he's not speaking to Liam either. It confuses Zayn because Liam hasn't really done anything wrong and what's it got to do with Harry anyway. He asks once, after they've just come back from having a few beers at a shady pub a few blocks out. The rest of the house feels deserted, and Zayn is thankful for that and a bit buzzed. 

"Why are you so angry, Hazza?" He asks him. His hands get caught in his sweatshirt and the last part of his question comes out muffled by the cloth. He giggles, falling silent when he sees Harry's eyes darken. 

"Because. It was wrong. He led you on and that's just not _on_ ," Harry's words are slurred and warm. 

"He didn't know," Zayn protests.

"He knew, Zayn." He comes closer, puts his hands at Zayn's waist. The two boys are nose to nose, and Harry stares at him. "He might have been in denial, maybe. But he _knew_. He couldn't not." Zayn blinks at him. 

"Haz - " Harry laughs at him. 

"You know you've got a rap for being the bad boy of this group? Your dark hair, tattoos, cigarettes - fans go crazy with it. But I _know_ you. Liam's - The difference between you and Liam is that he's used to getting what he wants. And you're not." 

\--

"You can't be serious, Malik, this is the second time today!" Zayn glares at him, and the security guard glares right back. Zayn relents, softens, flashes him a charming smile. 

"Please Stan? I'm out." 

"You shouldn't be - your voice is your most - " Zayn scowls. 

"I _know_ that _."_

"Fine. But my name better not pop up when you're tellin' the world you're dying of lung cancer." Zayn shrugs. 

"Yeah, yeah." Stan shoots him a sharp glance, snatches Zayn's money and turns on his heel. Zayn watches him go, barely feeling a pinch of guilt. He's smoking a lot more than he used to these days, all plans of quitting gone straight out the window.

Can't bring himself to care.

\--

He's trying to find the bloody cereal when Louis walks in, runs a hand down the small of his back, leaning in to say good morning before reaching for a bowl from the shelf above him. He grabs the cereal from straight in front Zayn (damn him) and sits at the table. Harry, who’s having toast at the small kitchen table, doesn't even look up from his plate and the tension in the room shoots up. Zayn grimaces. Of all the consequences of his idiocy, this one is by far the worst. They're not mad at each other exactly, but Louis's still talking to Liam and Harry _never_ does anything halfway. This is probably the first disagreement they've ever had and Harry deals with it by getting angry. Louis's trying but Harry is stubborn and won't come round and Zayn tries to swallow against the lump in his throat but he can't. He sits at the table, hunched over his bowl, lips turned down slightly in a frown. 

When he hears footsteps on the stairs he tenses, relaxing only when he's sure it's Niall. Niall's the only one who’s managed to stay truly neutral. He comes in, ruffling Zayn's hair (which earns him a playful shove) and is promptly pulled into Louis's lap for a cuddle. Niall makes a farting sound and Louis groans at him and even Harry is trying to hide his smile. The room relaxes. 

They sit in companionable silence for a while, until Zayn hears footsteps on the stairs once more. Instantly he's up, lighter already in hand. 

\--

Harry joins him outside later on. He's already smoked his way through five cigarettes and he doesn't feel like going inside anytime soon. Paul's cancelled their interviews for three days, claiming a well deserved rest for the boys, but Zayn knows that it's only because if they sat for an interview today, it'd go horribly. Louis and Harry managed to keep up a charade of Larry Stylinson for a little bit, and Niall made a noble attempt at some sort of normalcy, but Liam stayed quiet, withdrawn, and Zayn had nothing to add. Eventually the tensions between Harry and Liam escalated to the point where interviewers were casting worried glances at them and Paul was pulling out his hair. 

At this point, Paul has no idea what to do, has given up trying and has left them on his own and Zayn feels bad for what Paul's going through, imagining the pressure being put on him by the higher-ups. He smiles bitterly at the thought of Management on their knees, because otherwise they'll be canceling a lot more than just interviews.

Harry doesn't speak, just watches Zayn's mouth as he inhales, rolling the cigarette between his fingers like it belongs there, like it's the only thing he knows how to do anymore. Harry plucks it from his grasp and Zayn thinks he's going to put it out, but instead he brings it to his own and inhales. 

"Harry!" Zayn protests. "Don't." 

"Why not?" his voice is petulant, like a child's and Zayn remembers that he is so _young_. 

"Your voice, Hazza." 

"What's the point?" Harry spits out bitterly. "There'll be no band left in a few weeks." But he puts the fag out anyway. Zayn's stomach is in knots and he thinks he's going to be sick. He wants to tell Harry that it's going to be OK, that they'll find themselves together again soon, but he knows Harry will see right through the lie. So instead, he cups Harry's face gently. 

"If anyone can survive the mess I've made, it's _you_ Harry. You're the best singer of the group and the fans adore you. You'll make it, even without us. Promise me you'll try." 

"It's not _your_ mess," Harry says impatiently. Then his voice falls to a whisper. "I don't want to do this without you all. I don't think I could survive. I wouldn't _want_ to survive." Zayn brings Harry close to him, holding him tightly. 

"I can't be responsible for the end of your career, Haz. I _won't_ be. If we can't fix this - Promise me you'll try," he says fiercely. Harry says nothing, but Zayn feels him nod against his shoulder, and he sighs in relief, breathing in Harry's comforting smell. 

\--

He hears Louis and Harry shouting in the next room and his stomach sinks but he pushes the door open anyway. They're standing there, staring at each other. Louis's breathing heavily and in his eyes there's a spark of anger that Zayn has never seen before. Harry's eyes are bright but defiant. In one hand he clutches a phone. Niall and Liam step in behind Zayn and Zayn moves into the room away from them. 

"What's going on here, lads?" Niall asks, voice laced with worry. Louis points a finger at Harry.

"He was on the phone with an agent. Talking about signing. Talking about a fucking _solo career_." Niall and Liam turn to him, shocked and Zayn's eyes are wide. 

"What the fuck, Harry?" Naill whispers. "What's going on?" 

"It's just - it's just in case. Nothing's set in stone. I haven't -" the defiance ebbs a little, and Harry just looks lost for a moment. 

"That's ridiculous," Liam says. The anger in Harry's eyes comes back in all its glory. He turns on Liam, and Zayn suddenly feels so far away in this small room.

"Don't you dare give me crap about this. Not when this whole fucked up thing is your fault." Liam steps back as if he's physically been slapped and no one comes to his rescue. Zayn looks at him for what feels like the first time in ages. He's lost weight and there are dark circles under his eyes like he hasn't been sleeping. Every muscle in his body is tense, on edge, as if one push will send him toppling over. He looks miserable. 

"It's not my - I can't help that he -" 

"Yeah," Harry sneers. "But I don't think the cuddling and the kissing and the _fucking_ helped either." Liam eyes widen. "Don't tell me you didn't know, Liam. Don't bloody tell me you couldn't see the way he looks at you. You bastard." Liam looks like he's going to be sick and despite everything, Zayn's heart aches. He desperately wants to go to Liam, wrap his arms around him, tell him he's so sorry. 

Either that or disappear into a hole, because there is something about this conversation that makes Zayn feel like a voyeur and it dawns on him that this relationship between Harry and Liam is the essential one. They are the perfect balance between sensible and reckless, sweet and dangerous and they pull at each other, spin and dance around each other, even musically. The band could maybe function with a rift between Liam and Zayn, or even between Louis and Harry, but Harry and Liam must get on. Zayn remains silent, feet rooted to floor though he desperately wants to run. 

"Don't call me a bastard, Styles," Liam growls, and the fight is back in his voice. "You're the one walking out, you're the one giving up." Harry seethes. 

"Fuck you. How dare you tell me I'm giving up when you haven't even _tried_ to make things right with Zayn? You're a _coward_ , Payne." There's something like panic in Liam's eyes now. Harry's taking a step forward and Zayn realizes that there's a piece of this conversation that he's missing because Harry's voice suddenly becomes tender, his face changing. "You're scared Li, and that's understandable," he says. "You've got everything right now. The voice, the looks, the fans, the girl." Liam's face has become pale now and even though Harry's hardly shouting at him anymore, there's fear emanating from him. "And you're scared because you'll lose everything if you admit to yourself that you love him too."

Liam lets out a noise that sounds like a strangled sob and Zayn doesn't hear anymore because he's turned on his heel and left the room. 

\--

His hands shake so badly he can't even light his cigarette and this is so painful and _stupid_ and he just wants to run and run and never look back. He hears his door open and close and Liam has joined him on the windowsill. Zayn ignores him, tries desperately to light his cigarette again where he's cracked the window open, but the shaking has gotten worse. Liam gently takes the unlit cigarette from his mouth and puts it back in the pack that's lying on the table in front of them. 

"Was Harry telling the truth?" Zayn blurts out. Because even the slight glimmer of hope is eating away at his insides and he just needs to _know_. Liam hesitates for a moment. 

"Partially, yes," he says slowly, shaping every word carefully. "I guess I did know the way you felt about us, but I just didn't want to acknowledge it because that would mean having to make a choice. And I wanted you both. And Harry was right that I was scared. I _am_ scared. I like the way people look at me now and I didn't want that to change. We have so much. More than we ever thought possible, and I thought it might be enough for both of us and so I stayed quiet and I'm sorry for it, Zayn, because it caused you so much pain. I'm so sorry." 

Liam's words cut through him, hollow him out.

"I get it," he says, numb. Liam puts a hand on his hip, pushing gently until Zayn turns to him, like a moth to a flame. 

"I ended it with her," Liam whispers, eyes searching Zayn's. Zayn's heartbeat has sped up and his skin feels hot where Liam's hand is and he just stares, mouth open slightly. Liam continues. "About a week ago. We're working with management to figure out the best way to break it to the fans but eventually it'll be made public." Zayn tries desperately to make coherent one of the many thoughts racing through his mind.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he manages finally. 

"Because," his voice becomes lower, more intense, and he doesn't look away from Zayn's gaze. "I didn't want you to think it was out of guilt or about me being lonely or saving the band. I've already botched this up enough. I wanted to do it right." When Zayn doesn't say anything, just opens and closes his mouth like an idiot, Liam leans in slowly, watching him cautiously, giving him plenty of time to push him away. Zayn's eyes flutter closed and he parts his lips slightly, and then Liam is _there, always there,_ kissing him so gently and carefully, swallowing Zayn's whimper. 

" _Li_ ," he breathes, like it's a prayer, tucking all his emotions into the simple syllable, leaning their foreheads together. Tears are running down his cheeks and his nose is dripping but Liam just laughs fondly, kissing away his tears and pulling him in close. Zayn brings his lips to Liam's once more and this time there's no hesitation. They lean into each other gently as the kisses become deeper. Zayn licks into his mouth then nibbles on Liam's bottom lip, relishing in the sound he makes. He clutches onto the brown haired boy's shirt, pulling him up and pressing their hips together. Liam's hands reach for his shirt and tug it off him and Zayn impatiently yanks at the buttons on Liam's who lets out a small laugh at Zayn's frustration. It turns into a whimper when Zayn presses his lips to Liam's collarbone. He runs his hands over his chest, scratching lightly, desperate for Liam to make that sound again. He's trembling under Zayn's palms and Zayn pulls him closer, unable to stop kissing him everywhere. 

"I want," Liam says shakily, pulling away and burying himself in Zayn's neck. "I want you inside of me," he says. Zayn groans at that, and moves back slightly, hands still reaching of their own accord, greedy for Liam's skin. 

"I've never - " 

"Me neither, but I want," (he whimpers slightly as Zayn's finger brushes a nipple) "I want things to be different this time." Zayn slides his hand down to run along his hip.

"We don't have to rush," he says, but Liam is moaning. 

"Want you. Please." His hands move to unbutton Zayn's belt and Zayn shakily moves to do the same. 

"Bed?" he asks, voice harsh with desire, as Liam kicks his trousers away. Liam nods, kissing him once more, nibbling at his bottom lip. Zayn fights a groan, gently guiding Liam backwards. The younger boy settles back on the bed, stares up at Zayn and Zayn's heart is in his throat because he is the most beautiful thing Zayn has ever seen and it's broad daylight and they're really doing this and Liam is _his_. 

"C'mere," Liam whispers, but Zayn waits for another moment, drinking him in, watching as Liam's cheeks color slightly under his gaze. He moves to the bed finally, starting at Liam's ankles, placing kisses on his inner calves, and behind Liam's knees and on the inside of his thigh. Liam's writhing and moaning and begging and chanting Zayn's name and Zayn feels the corners of his own lips turn up in a small smirk. 

When he looks up at Liam, Liam practically growls, sitting up and pulling the older boy down to him, kissing him fiercely. There is nothing gently about this kiss, it's all tongue and teeth and passion previously forced away. Liam rolls his hips up to meet Zayn's and their moans blend together in a harmony that causes Zayn's eyes to glass over and he thrusts forward, desperate for more. Liam pulls away slightly, meeting Zayn's eyes and they are dark brown, pupils dilated. 

"Do you have lube?" Liam asks quietly. Zayn shakes his head. "Damn it," Liam mutters under his breath, and Zayn kisses away his frown. 

"It's okay, we don't have to," Zayn says reassuringly. 

"I just. I want us to -" 

"I know, Li," Zayn whispers, kissing him softly. "But it is different. Trust me." Zayn draws him in for kiss after kiss until Liam pulls back once more. 

"It's not a wank between friends anymore," he says firmly. Zayn laughs at him, kisses his forehead and then the corner of his mouth. 

"No, it's not." He laughs until Liam reaches for him and then he's moaning Liam's name against the crook of his neck. 

"Wait, wait," he pants, grabbing onto Liam's wrist and stilling his hand, trying to blink back the haze of desire. He rolls them over so that they're lying side by side, presses their foreheads together and reaches for Liam, who lets out a moan of relief at the contact. He struggles to keep his eyes open as Liam resumes stroking his cock, watching as Liam's face contorts in pleasure.

"Please, Zayn, fuck, so close, please. Don't - _oh_." Liam comes, and Zayn's hand slows, milking his orgasm from him, watching his body shudder, kissing him gently as he comes down from it. Liam opens his eyes, smiling softly at him, eyes half lidded and sleepy from his recent release and Zayn shivers with the effort of keeping hips from thrusting into Liam's hand. 

After a moment, Liam resumes stroking him, grip light, pace lazy, and Zayn is trembling, eyes closed, unable to stop the flow of _fuck, Li,_ please, _more_.

"Please what?" Liam asks, voice an octave lower than usual. Heat spikes in his belly and he thrusts into Liam's palm desperately.

"I want to come. _Please_ , Li. I can't - I need -" 

Liam increases his speed, gripping Zayn more firmly, and Zayn whimpers, hips canting forward. Liam leans in and kisses him deeply and Zayn comes, falling over the edge, moaning Liam's name into his mouth. 

\--

When Zayn wakes up, he's surrounded by Liam, arm over his chest, hand clutching at his neck, nose in his ear, face under his arm, legs twined together. The room has grown dark and when he looks down he can barely make out Liam's face. He's fast asleep, breath even and relaxed, and Zayn really doesn't want to wake him but he also really has to take a piss so he extracts himself as gently as he can, tucking the covers tight around the younger boy and heads to the bathroom. 

After washing his face he grabs a sweatshirt from the floor (Liam's, he can tell by the smell) and leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

He finds the boys watching telly in Louis and Harry's room. Harry's stretched out on the couch with his phone and Louis and Niall are cuddling on the floor. They look up when he enters and he knows he doesn't have to say anything because they're all grinning like mad and Harry actually gets up, pulling him in for a hug. 

"Thank God," he mutters into Zayn's hair and Zayn laughs, breathless and light. Harry pulls away, presses a quick kiss to his forehead and moves back to the couch but when Zayn moves to join him, Harry stretches his legs, kicking him off. Zayn feigns indignation but he doesn't even have to look at Harry to know that this is a sign that going to go back to normal. He settles on floor next to the couch, leaning back against the wall. 

When Liam enters the room about an hour later, Louis, Zayn and Niall wait with bated breath. Harry keeps his eyes on his phone and Zayn can see the forced nonchalance in the way he lies there.  

Liam stops behind the back of the couch and tentatively lays a hand in Harry's hair, massaging his scalp and playing with his curls. Harry looks up at Liam, his expression emotionless for a moment before a slow grin spreads across his face. He manages to pull Liam over the edge of the couch into his lap, hugging his sprawled out form, laughing almost hysterically. 

The rest of the room erupts almost immediately. Louis lunges for Zayn, tackling him into a bear hug and Zayn can feel his grin in his neck. Niall comes up on his other side, wrapping his arms around his waist, burping in his ear. 

Louis throws his head back and laughs and Harry reaches out and cups his chin and Zayn feels a weight lifting from his shoulders that he didn't even realize was there. He looks up from between Louis's arms at Liam, who has rearranged so that Harry's head is in the crook of his arm and Harry is staring at Liam like he's come back from the dead. Li turns and catches the older boy's eye and grins at him, brown eyes bright with happiness and Zayn doesn't know how they've managed it, but they're _back_. 

(He's definitely going to have to quit smoking now.)

_fin._


End file.
